How a minor (seemingly major) disaster turned into a blessing overnight.
We celebrate Christmas and Hannukah in our house and had already put the Christmas tree up. It was decorated so beautifully - tasteful lights, and about 30 ornaments; a combination of ornaments from my childhood tree and ornaments Justin and I would continue to add to over the years. Presents were wrapped in beautiful white paper, with lovely ribbons around a few of them. It looked so beautiful.
It was a Sunday morning. I was doing my witchy wellness rituals (lighting my Diana Candle, cleansing my altar with sage, pulling a card from my Tarot Deck etc, you know, the usual) and started to write my intentions for my day (I do this daily to give my mind something to focus on manifesting-it's going to focus on something, so it might as well be exactly what I want. I teach more about this in my Ruby program).
I wrote: Today I will continue downloading what it feels like to trust well being.
Then I thought.. wait. What does it feel like to Trust? Do I even know how? Don't I have to learn what real TRUST feels like before I'm able to trust anything?
As if to answer my question, I heard water sloshing and felt myself tense. Justin was watering our Christmas tree. Justin (forgive me while I gloat for a moment) is a genius. He created a contraption with a funnel and a long plastic tube that he twisties to the tree so he can water the tree without having to bend over. So, when he waters the tree, it's pretty loud as it pours into the funnel, all the way down the tube and into the tree stand.
*slosh slosh slosh*
BREATHE. This is the PERFECT time to practice trust. You don't have to do everything yourself. It's okay, everything is okay. He's capable of watering the damn tree. The tree does not signify your world. You have more important things to focus your energy on. Like your store. And the animals. And your health.
"Wow, I was just writing about learning how to trust when I heard you watering the Christmas tree and had to consciously cause myself to stay here and not go into control mode to make sure it's being done 'right'."
Justin laughed in understanding and validated me for a job well done.
I crossed out what I had written and wrote a new intention: Today I will lean into what it means and feels like to Trust.
That day I worked at the shop, visited with some friends afterwards and got home around 9pm. I was taking my supplements when I saw Justin filling up the water jug.
"WOW! Our tree is really drinking up water! I'm already watering it again!"
"What? Did you check to make sure it isn't leaking?"
Tension. Jaw clench. Frustration. Fear. Mother fucking fuck. Is our tree hemorrhaging water? Is it ruining the wood floors? Are all of Justin's electronic presents ruined? Hang on, we don't know anything yet, don't run away with your thoughts. TRUST, remember?
I went over to the tree, kneeled down in front of it and placed my hands on the tree skirt.
It. Was. Soaked.
The thoughts swarmed in like a tornado.
I KNEW I should've done this on my own! I KNEW I couldn't trust TRUST. The floors are going to be RUINED! Justin's presents are going to be damaged! THIS IS IT!
I felt the black veil of catastrophe slip over my eyes and turn everything dark. In that moment, if I am completely honest, this one scenario took over my entire life and I felt like nothing would ever be okay. Not just Christmas... life as I know it. (A little Pisces Moon drama for you).
I started pulling presents off the tree skirt, the bottoms of them completely soaked. My beautiful wrapping jobs ruined. One particularly heavy and large present took me 30 min to wrap - the box so large the wrapping paper wouldn't fit around it.
Great. This took forever to wrap.
I felt my blame voice start to kick up deep in my subconscious mind.
Now I'm going to have to do this ALL OVER AGAIN! Dammit Justin, this is all his fault. He should've been more careful. He should've checked the base of the tree the first day he started watering it. This SUCKS. Now I have to figure out how to re-wrap this fucking present and it's all his fault.
That night I was not my most skilled self. Justin felt awful, he was so apologetic. Outwardly, I let him know it wasn't his fault, this was an accident, it could've happened to anyone. Inwardly, some sadistic part of me was glad he felt bad. Some self righteous part of me thought that if Justin felt guilt, it would make it easier for me to re-do everything.
Justin moved the tree, put the tree skirt in the dryer, set up a fan and the dehumidifier hoping it would reverse the warped floor and we went to bed.
The next morning I asked Justin how the floor looked.
“Not much different” he said looking so defeated. He shared that he was really worried about the damage to the floor and it hit me. Being in the business I’m in, I hear a LOT about stress and worry and I have read studies that claim that stress contributes to 90% of our diseases! So, as I realized it for myself, I said to Justin;
“You know stress contributes to disease (dis-ease, duh). You are way more important than any floor, holiday, or present could ever be. Do you think you” (and I totally meant we) "can surrender this stress and know that you’re worthy of ease?”
I sat down to begin my morning practice. I looked back on the previous day’s entry:
Today I will lean into what it means and feels like to Trust.
My mentor, Felicia Searcy, talks a lot about Spiritual Law, always encouraging me to know that if I don’t receive exactly what I’m asking for from the Universe, it’s because what I got was something even better.
So. My ask was to learn what it means and feels like to Trust, and my floor got ruined, my presents soaked, my self righteousness got kicked up and I was sending my husband into a subliminal guilt trip.
THIS is my 'something even better'?
And it was. What I learned from this entire experience was so much more than what I would’ve learned if everything had gone exactly to my preference.
I learned that Trust isn’t about everything going exactly as I want it to. Trust is a deep sense of knowing that no matter what happens, everything is okay exactly as it happens. That nothing is irreparable and that holding an intention with a sense of surrender on the outcome is the BEST thing I can start to do for my nervous system.
I learned that in my reactive state, it feels like my entire life has collapsed into that one experience. My world closes in, nothing else exists except the catastrophe in front of me, and nothing will ever be okay, ever again. Oh, that Moon in Pisces. With this awareness I now have the ability to be mindful of this go-to reaction of mine, and to give myself the space to take some deep breaths, realize that this is not the end of the world, and to take action instead of be in reaction.
I learned that when I’m feeling slighted or inconvenienced, a part of my subconscious brain looks for someone else to blame. THIS is really interesting. Does this happen to you?
THIS SUCKS! Who’s fault is it? (this may not be entirely conscious).
Does it really matter? It IS, it already IS, and all I’m doing by trying to find someone else to blame is delaying the necessary action I have to take to adjust it. I love what Byron Katie says in her book “Loving What Is” - I’m paraphrasing, but essentially, in those moments when our brains fight to reject what is, we are insane. And it’s TRUE. It happened, the tree leaked, the floor was wet, the presents soaked. It had to be dealt with. I could either reject what is and deal with it in misery, blame and guilt-throwing, OR, I could accept what is, and actually enjoy (YES! enjoy) the process.
-I LOVE wrapping presents, I only get to do this once a year, and this year I got to do it TWICE!
-A new tree stand was SO NICE! Ours was old, dirty and gross.
-I got to support my husband in knowing how wonderful he is and that NOTHING could ever diminish that.
-I reaffirmed for both of us that we are WAY too important to let ANYTHING stress us out and interfere with our health and wellbeing.
Above all, I’m so grateful to learn what Trust is really about. That everything, in every moment, in every way, is already and always will be alright. That *I* am alright.
And, what I’m REALLY excited about is that I can learn how to enjoy everything that happens in my life, whether it’s to my preference or not. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS!? I’m not there yet. Obviously. It’s a work in progress. And, the way we see and relate to the experiences in our lives is 100% up to us. So, let’s do ourselves, our nervous systems, and the people in our lives a huge favor - let's ease the suffering by seeing the blessings in every experience.
Did this share serve you? I would love to know how in the comments below.
PS. We also had to take down the Christmas tree and re-cut the bottom after finding out it wasn't drinking water! Which means I got to decorate my tree TWICE this year! WIN!